2019 was neither merry nor bright at Santa’s Workshop. Their delivery business dropped 30% due to competition from Amazon, and they recently were served with a class action lawsuit for emotional distress on behalf of millions of kids who got coal in their stockings last year.
After meeting last week with the accountants at Snowden & Frost, Santa realized there was no avoiding it – he was going to have to lay off some staff.
Santa opened his office door and motioned for Rudolph to come in. Rudolph’s nose was glowing particularly bright, as if he knew something was up.
Rudolph the Hard-Nosed Reindeer
“Rudolph” Santa said wistfully, “we are going to have to let you go. Now that we have GPS in the sleigh, we are eliminating your ‘Foggy Evening Navigation Specialist’ position.”
Rudolph responded angrily “I can still pull a sleigh with the best of them. You are just singling me out because I look different and because I complained about being frozen out of all the reindeer games. That’s discrimination.”
Santa tried to keep things calm:
Now Rudolph, it’s not just you. I’m letting the two new guys go too. Fitbit won’t fly; he just wants to walk from house to house, and we’ve had to ground Flasher ever since that incident over Central Park two years ago. We are just cutting back, that’s all.
Rudolph turned to leave but sneered “When I’m done suing you for everything you have, I’ll go down in history.”
Santa & Friends?
As the red glow of Rudolph’s nose faded in the distance, Santa called in Eddie Cousins, whom he had hired last year to launch the new Santa Channel on Cable TV. Santa got right to the point:
Eddie, this just hasn’t worked out the way we hoped. I mean – ELF News? What were you thinking?
Hey – FOX News is the biggest thing on cable TV. If people tune in to hear about foxes 24/7, you would think they would love to watch our elves all day long. But don’t go all Grinchy on me, Big Guy. We have some exciting original dramas that people are going to binge watch like crazy.
We have a great show about a kindly rich widow who each week helps a different family pay off their monthly debts – real human interest stuff. I call it “Carol of the Bills.”
Santa said he didn’t think much of that idea and suggested that maybe Eddie should just leave, but Eddie was undaunted:
“How about a show revolving around the first female matador in Spain – Carol of the Bulls.”
“Please go” said Santa.
“Wait, I saved the best for last” said Eddie. “Ceramicist by Day, Crime Fighter by Night – Carol of the Bowls!”
“GET OUT” roared Santa, and Eddie dashed out the door like the down of a thistle.
Look at Frosty Go
Santa then called for Frosty the Snowman to take a seat.
Frosty, you know we love you here but we didn’t really do things right after you showed up. No background check, no I-9 – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Now, we hear ICE is on the way and we could get in a lot of trouble if we let you stay.
“Ice?” Frosty replied. “Ice is no problem for a guy like me.”
Santa said “No, it’s something different than that. I wish we had some sort of magic hat that could make everything right but we don’t. I’m sorry but you can’t work here right now.”
Frosty began to cry (which isn’t easy when you have two eyes made out of coal). “Where will I go?” Frosty asked. “What will I do?”
Santa tried to be reassuring:
Don’t you cry. You’ll be back again some day once we get our act together here. Meanwhile, remember Buddy the Elf? He didn’t fit in here but now he’s a big shot in the New York publishing scene. You should catch him if you can.
Frosty waved goodbye and hurried on his way, leaving a puddle (of tears, Santa hoped) behind.
Addressing the Bottom Line
Santa was relieved to be done with those conversations so he could turn his attention to rolling out his boldest new cost-saving initiative.
“What’s the best way to tell everyone we are cutting back from 12 Days of Christmas to 9?” he wondered aloud.
The Minnesota Employment Law Report wishes all of our loyal readers a very joyous holiday. We will be back after New Year’s Day.